The Positives:
The art is beautiful. The CGI is fantastic. The story is strong. The emotion is there, and sometimes the humor is, too.
Duke Kaboom and Forky are worthwhile.

The Negatives:
That this movie exists at all? Why? Why even be here?
Bonnie - THIS LITTLE GIRL IS THE WORST. I can't forgive this movie or this awful little girl, and I definitely am not forgiving Disney.
Andy was going to take Woody to college. He would have kept Woody the rest of his life and passed him down to his children, just as his parents did before him. Woody would have been part of Andy's life FOREVER.
If it weren't for Bonnie.
This little brat was tender and sweet in Toy Story 3, loving her "Cowboy doll."
Too bad five minutes in to Toy Story 4 she's abandoned him, leaving him in the closet and TAKING HIS SHERIFF'S BADGE AWAY to give to Jessie.
She's the worst.
I actually, straight up, no joke HATE this little animated character. She is evil itself. She's also a brat.
I work with kids between ages 3-5 and none of them, unless poorly disciplined, are as whiny or bratty as she is.

Go home, Bonnie. You don't deserve any toys.

The Rating:
Cinematography: 4 feathers
Emotional Effect (and occasional manipulation): 4 feathers
Story: 4 feathers
Actual movie: 2 feathers. WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

Final Verdict:
If you have small children (under 9), then go for it. They'll love it, but you might feel a bit used.
If you grew up on Toy Story like I did...run, don't walk, to get away from this movie.

Alongside Rebel, Alex Sharp takes a stand in a positive light. He's a fantastic actor (don't take my word for it, the boy has a Tony), and he appears much younger than his thirty years would suggest. As the perfect mark for the competing lady cons, he carries the audience through the film, making us love him and care about him far more than either Hathaway or Wilson. The twist at the end, though slightly clumsy in execution (I blame the writing), made me love him all the more.

The Negatives:
Most everything else.
Not only were lines taken directly from the original to pad the sad and sorry script, but the limping attempt to recreate something wonderful with a feminine twist fell flat on its face.

The story - The story has been done, as it was a remake. The clever thing to do would be to change up the script. Not just a gender-swap remake, but a whole new take on the story. They didn't even bother, recycling some scenes shot for shot, line by line, and disappointing the masses.
The areas where they did stray didn't hit the mark - Hathaway training Wilson how to be a violent but classy lady never came into the story. It was a useless montage that managed two laughs from my decently-filled-for-a-matinee theater. They also went for a vomit-worthy "gag" involving a french fry and a toilet. Pointless, gross, and a waste of precious minutes - not to mention a quick way to kill suspension of disbelief. In that moment I fell out of the story, gagged a few times, and struggled to find my way back in.
I read an article from a movie critique lamenting modern comedy - what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
Most attempts at comedy these days are remakes, but almost none of them are clever. Instead of making an effort to do something new, they rehash old lines and old jokes, but expect audiences old and new to take them in without question. Between The Hustle, Overboard, and Arthur (and many others even outside the comedy genre), we have stale attempts to redo classics. They're the worst bits about Hollywood paraded before us.
Who cares if it's new, interesting, or worthwhile? Churn something out and expect the people to turn up.
In case Hollywood hasn't noticed, movies are down. People aren't flocking to the theaters like they used to, and this is why. 
When Hollywood treats its viewers as intelligent consumers, they get good results: Endgame, Logan Lucky, Oceans 11,  22 Jump Street - some of these are remakes and some are brand new, but all did well on Rotten Tomatoes and at the box office.
Why? 
The Marvel team and the Russo brothers knew Endgame was a game changer. They knew nothing else would ever be like it. They took their time, made an effort, and completed an enormous goal.
Oceans 11 is a remake that outshines the original, and like Logan Lucky (both directed by Soderberg) mixes comedy with heist intrigue.
22 Jump Street is a sequel, yet manages to outshine its predecessor by being smart. 
Even Disney has found a way to (almost always) shine in a remake. With the exception of a few (Dumbo, Maleficent), they've been delightful, new, and exciting - a way for adults to relive their childhood and for children to experience something beautiful.
Cleverness, creativity, and passion go a long way, and until the studios realize they can't just keep handing over remade trash and expecting us to be excited.
I know many clever writers who have told fantastic stories - go read their books and make THOSE into movies.

The acting - Oh heaven help Anne Hathaway and her sad, strange accent. I'm not sure where she found it, but I would return it as soon as possible. It didn't help that she's playing a revamped Michael Caine, who is actually British, posh, and capable of an array of accents. Hathaway struggled all the way through the film, donning some odd, Vaudevillian voice and calling it Dutch halfway through the film. Between the two accents I struggled to take anything she said as funny.
None of Hathaway's jokes landed. It was painful to watch someone so talented struggle so much - especially when I know she's capable of comedy.
It was painful to watch, to listen to, and to yawn through. Michael Caine plays a likable character in the original, but Anne Hathaway quickly became a villain. Her character wasn't handled in any way that could create sympathy, and while Wilson's character was meant to be the most sympathetic, there should have been SOMETHING for Hathaway's to make the ending worthwhile.

The directing - The timing started off and remained off all throughout the lagging hour and a half run time. Every joke took a second too long to say (unless it was Rebel Wilson, who can handle herself just fine), leaving most of the jokes stale and flat by the time they arrived. Chris Addison didn't know how to handle these two powerhouse women or Alex Sharp, and he didn't deserve them.

The Rating:
2 feathers (One for Wilson and one for Sharp)

Final Verdict:
Go watch Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and if you're still curious, wait for The Hustle to be on streaming.

22 Jump Street managed to outdo its predecessor by doing exactly what it had done the first time, but in one of the most wildly hilarious, clever ways imaginable. 

Baywatch was raunchy for raunchiness sake. There was little humor (unless you're a 12-year-old boy, though I wouldn't want a child that young watching this filth). The attempts fell flat, and with a film 2-hours long playing the same jokes over and over again, boredom set in faster than Matt Brody's swim record.

By the middle of the film, I was watching in skim. You know, skipping every 15 seconds until something interesting caught my eye.
Which was almost never.

The Positives:
At the very end of the film, the main characters slow-motion run down the beach. Efron trips and it caught me so funny I laughed for several minutes - the first and only genuine laugh of the whole movie. It *almost* made the fact that I'd wasted 2 hours of my time...not worth it...but not as upsetting.  

The actors are pros, so even with the crap they're working with, they themselves stayed in character and on cue. They committed, and I can't fault them for that. 

The Negatives:
Everything else. It wasn't funny. It was insulting and disgusting. I wish I had something better to say - I hate negative reviews.

The Rating:
1 feather

Final Verdict:
Skip Baywatch unless you enjoy vapid, shallow, empty attempts at humor from a skilled cast that is far too good for the source material. 

The Positive:
​You know I want to be positive about movies, but this is one trash fire I can't find a positive spin for.

The Negative:
Where do I begin? So much wrong.

The acting - this is a difficult one to discuss. There are three fantastic actors in this film who tried their hardest, but couldn't make the coal shine like a diamond.

Michael Keaton is one of my favorites, and it hurt to watch him try so hard with what little he was given. You could almost see it in his face as his over-the-top character played out on the screen. "I'm doing what I'm told." We know Michael. We know.

Danny DeVito, a long-time comedic king, seemed sad. He wandered through this movie like a man depressed. He'd signed the contract, and now he has to pay for his choices. His actions were half-hearted, and it broke mine.

Colin Farrell has had his rough patches. There are plenty of movies that have made me question his professional abilities, but none so much as Dumbo. He's a soldier who's experienced loss, a widower mourning his wife's death, and a father of two children he doesn't know.  But none of this comes across. He ambles about, grumping and excusing until a poorly-accented French woman gets into his heart - goodbye dead wife.

Joe and Milly Farrier are two young children who lost their mother, yet the acting never signifies this. Joe is wooden, with lines repeated as though hand fed. He's adorable, but he can't carry the weight of his character.

Milly, meant to be the sad, heart-broken scientist in a world where women are for show doesn't come across as the strong message they intended. While Nico Parker has promising future talent, her character comes across as surly, sour, and anything but mourning. When she isn't sulking, she's blank, and I blame all of this on...

The directing - Tim Burton struggled. The editing was all over the place. Camera shots were out of focus or focused on the wrong characters. Scenery and CGI felt cartoony and silly. It wasn't right. This movie could have been heartwarming, but instead it left me cold.

The story - The greatest sin this movie committed was in the story. 
Dumbo's origin back in the 1940s was rife with things that won't fly in today's world. From a child (elephant) getting drunk to racist references, Dumbo had issues from the start. One way to cut these issues out from the get go was to take away the animals anthropomorphism. 

The animals don't talk - that's what the humans are for. Goodbye Timothy Q. Mouse, Dumbo's best friend. Hello sour and wooden children - two plot spewers to make sure the audience knows what's going on.

Despite no animal having a voice or a human-like characteristic, Dumbo is treated as though he understands every word of English. Dumbo is the only animal treated this way, spoken to as though he might answer back, and presented with problems to see his thoughts on the solution. The result is confusing and awkward.

Early on, the children - especially little girl Milly - apparently bond with baby Dumbo. They teach him to fly with a feather, and Milly shares the meaning of her necklace - the last gift her dead mother ever gave her. But the adults all around them treat them like they're stupid or in the way - even their own father.

Not to mention how they treat the poor baby elephant. I know animal cruelty was a part of history, but the way the HEROES of this story treated Dumbo made me want to climb into the scene and start breaking faces. 
They endanger him, push him to do things he doesn't want to do, all while treating him as though he has a voice in the matter.

Dumbo (1941), everyone can agree, was sad. Even with a happy ending, it was hard to watch a tiny little cartoon elephant go through so much trauma. 2019 isn't any easier. A slightly more realistic (and insanely adorable) elephant watches with giant, tear-filled blue eyes as the world conspires against him. I'm not a fan of animal cruelty, but that's essentially all this movie is.

After plodding along for two hours, dragging the viewer with it, Dumbo reaches its climax. That super special necklace? The one Milly's mother gave her - the very LAST THING SHE GAVE HER? Milly throws it aside to prove some foggy point to the elephant, who, of course, understands every word. 
Because who needs to keep a precious keepsake from their mother?

All in all, Dumbo has a *happy* ending, but it isn't earned. It's a slog-along trash fest of sadness, not a lick of hope in sight, that tosses a happy ending out despite there being very little logic to it.

The Rating:
1 feather.
I'm being generous.
It's for the cute CGI baby elephant.

Final Verdict:
Don't waste your money on Dumbo. Take your child to anything else. And if you enjoy it...I worry about how you treat your pets.

The Negatives:
Heaven help me. The negatives. I don't want to rant and rave for pages, so I'll try to pick out what I hated most. This might become spoilery - you've been warned.

1. More important than anything else. The reason I will never forgive this movie or allow it to move forward. The reason I hate it with everything in my being...*spoiler?* they kill a puppy.
   
   For no reason. It serves no purpose. It's meant to be an inciting incident to make Alita who she is, but they could have done that with ANYTHING, and they chose something innocent and sweet.  It disgusts me. It makes me want to have words with the writer and director. I honestly don't respect them. This isn't John Wick. You aren't serving a purpose. That's gratuitous death, and you're wicked.
   
   
2. It's boring. Yawn-worthy. I cringed.
   
   
3. I hated Hugo. More than anything else, I hated Hugo. He's meant to be a love interest, but I've never seen such a cliche, trope-filled, teen angst love interest in a movie that was meant to be an epic sci-fi adventure. If I had to guess, this boy found a book called Twilight, read it, didn't understand it, and proceeded to behave how HE thought a romeo should behave.
   
   He sucked (not the actor, the character). He was misogynistic. He was a villain. He did horrible, awful things with no guilty conscience until his libido was awakened by someone similar to those he'd assaulted. He was wicked. It's been a long time since I have hated someone in a movie that I was supposed to love this much (happens in books all the time). 
   
   He's a wannabe Aladdin, but it doesn't pan out. Alita tells him her favorite food is oranges, so he laughs at her and buys her chocolate. BECAUSE THAT'S ALL WOMEN KNOW HOW TO ENJOY FOOD, IS BY EATING CHOCOLATE. Why can't her favorite food be an orange? Why can't the citrus-zest be left well enough alone? No, we have to hit every trope in the history of cliche and give the girl chocolate - because he's such a hero. 
   
   He's selfish. Everything is about Hugo. Even when he appears to be caring about Alita, he's not. Down to the final minutes on screen, he's doing things for his own good, for his own care. Alita tries again and again to save him, to help him, to love him, but in the end, Hugo is for Hugo.
   
   SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER I've never cheered so hard when a character died. I was so happy, watching him plummet to the lower city. He deserved to die more than any other character in that movie, and I would almost consider seeing the next one just to watch something he isn't in. In fact, I cheered his death the way I cheered some of the most hated villains on Game of Thrones.
   
   
4. The way they treated Alita was an insult to women everywhere. No only is there the chocolate fiasco, but the way they interacted with her. This is a futuristic world, but maybe we've gone backwards in time when it comes to how we interact with females?
   
   
5. The villains. OH THE VILLAINS! It was sad. So sad. They were awkward, clunky, stupid, boring. They were entirely made of machinery, except their faces? I have no idea why they kept the faces. It made them silly. It didn't humanize them, but just made them laughable. Especially when one was so vain all he cared about was his face. Why? What purpose did his face serve? The main villain had a super creepy line "I'd rather rule in Hell than serve in Heaven." 
   
   But he didn't live up to his hype. And the villain above him, saved for future films. We see him for one split second in the end - much like Thanos in the earliest Marvel movies - but he packs little punch, regardless of his star power.
   
   
6. Most of the acting.
   Aside from Rosa Salazar, pretty much everyone on the screen is a bumbling buffoon when it comes to their parts. They aren't believable, likely because of the script they had and the direction they were given. They don't believe it anymore than I do. They have to feel the oozing misogyny bleeding off the page. Whatever it is, it's not good.
   
   
7. It ends on a cliff hanger, which I expected when it dragged on and on to what felt like a climax.
   
   No joke. This movie is essentially two hours of backstory, finally reaching a moment you might care to watch, and then stopping in a dead halt. 

The Rating:
No rating. I can't give it a feather. It isn't worth one.

Final Verdict:
It's your choice, but I will never tell anyone I know to see Alita: Battle Angel.
The only way I'd see a sequel is if they learn how to handle Alita herself, stop insulting my intelligence, and give Hugo the pink slip.