Run away from Baywatch

Baywatch is now available to watch on Prime Video.
I didn't see it in theaters, but who doesn't love Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron? 
It seemed like the perfect fit, so I clicked and sat back to enjoy it. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand I didn't.

I never watched the show Baywatch, but the beginning of the movie was pretty open about mocking the idea while honoring it.
The setup of Mitch (played by my favorite Dwayne Johnson) as the golden god of the beach brought a smile to my lips, and even the Ryan Lochte-esque Brody felt like a good turn.

The problem came quickly in preference.

In short: this movie was too stupid and too raunchy to be anything more than a regret.

How did it make me feel?
Icky. 90% of the time I felt uncomfortable. Now, before you go eye-rolling at the prude, I want to note that one of my favorite comedies of all time is 22 Jump Street.

Not a clean flick.
But a smart flick. 

22 Jump Street managed to outdo its predecessor by doing exactly what it had done the first time, but in one of the most wildly hilarious, clever ways imaginable. 

Baywatch was raunchy for raunchiness sake. There was little humor (unless you're a 12-year-old boy, though I wouldn't want a child that young watching this filth). The attempts fell flat, and with a film 2-hours long playing the same jokes over and over again, boredom set in faster than Matt Brody's swim record.

By the middle of the film, I was watching in skim. You know, skipping every 15 seconds until something interesting caught my eye.
Which was almost never.

The Positives:
At the very end of the film, the main characters slow-motion run down the beach. Efron trips and it caught me so funny I laughed for several minutes - the first and only genuine laugh of the whole movie. It *almost* made the fact that I'd wasted 2 hours of my time...not worth it...but not as upsetting.  

The actors are pros, so even with the crap they're working with, they themselves stayed in character and on cue. They committed, and I can't fault them for that. 

The Negatives:
Everything else. It wasn't funny. It was insulting and disgusting. I wish I had something better to say - I hate negative reviews.

The Rating:
1 feather

Final Verdict:
Skip Baywatch unless you enjoy vapid, shallow, empty attempts at humor from a skilled cast that is far too good for the source material.